Try to imagine life without your friends – pretty awful picture isn’t it? But what if a particular friendship seems to have lost the cement that holds it together? Or if someone has become more frenemy than friend? Then it’s time to face
reality and move on.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER?
Outgrowing someone you once had everything in common with happens. Teens go through so many changes – from taking up different hobbies to changing your taste in music – it’s hard to keep up. And when friends don’t change at the same pace or in the same direction, it’s easy for gaps to form among previously joined-at-the-hip groups.

‘People go through so many different developmental stages and our interests change as we grow. If you don’t have regular contact with your friend and you don’t have any common threads that tie the relationship together, you can easily find yourself with not too much to talk about,’ says Cape Town clinical psychologist Joelene Conradie.

A good way to tackle this situation is simply to be honest about the fact that you’ve outgrown each other – chances are your friend feels exactly the same. ‘Just make sure you stay positive and end the friendship on a good note,’ says Joelene.

BAD APPLES
Friendships are supposed to be fun, right? Right, but sadly sometimes fun gives way to deception, selfishness, betrayal or emotional blackmail. Joelene says that if you feel tense, anxious or uncomfortable in your friend’s presence or if
the relationship is destructive and hurting your self-esteem, cutting ties is in your best interest.

This may be easier said than done though. Is it possible to skip that intense face-to-face confrontation? ‘You could unfriend them on Facebook, or send an SMS or even an email,’ says Joelene. But while this may seem like an easy way out, what about the other person’s feelings? Joelene says it’s all in the way you do it, so keep your emotions in check and be aware of the words you choose and how they may be interpreted by the receiver.

If you decide to terminate your friendship face to face, Joelene advises you keep your cool. ‘Don’t let your toxic friend manipulate you with tears. Do what’s best for you.’

TURNED TABLES
But how do you handle it if you’re the one being left behind? It’s not easy to be on the receiving end of the friend-dumping process, but you have to do your best to learn from the experience.

‘It’s important to acknowledge your own emotions and to take responsibility for whatever part you had to play in the break-up of the friendship,’ says Joelene. ‘Get support from your family and friends if you’re struggling, or speak to a counsellor or psychologist.’

FRIEND VS FRIEND
Fights are an important part of any friendship, and usually bring buddies closer together. But while petty or childish scraps are easily resolved, sometimes you’re faced with more intense disagreements that either one or the other friend
simply can’t let go of. Is a serious fight reason enough to end a friendship? Or should you try your best to work through it?

Joelene says that it depends on your level of communication, your empathy for each other and your willingness to meet the other person halfway. ‘The importance of the friendship to each party will also determine the amount of effort they would be willing to put into repairing the damage.’

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Joelene Conradie
021 559 2266